If Heaven and Hell decide...

LONG night, devil spawn child!

2007-04-24T12:39:00.000-06:00

You know what sucks?

You argue with your mom about who is going to pick up your dad from work since he still doesn't have a working vehicle.

You agree to go (even though you have an early class and it's late at night) under the condition you get the gas credit card to fill up since you're on E.

You get there and realize that he lost his cell phone a few days ago so you have no way to tell him you're there. You call the store even though they're closed and argue with security. Finally end up calling mom and having her argue with security until Dad knows you're there.

Get gas, go for Starbucks and realize Starbucks is closed.

FINALLY get home, entirely set on going straight to bed to get sleep before the early class you missed last week. And what happens???

I walked into my bedroom only to find that while I was gone, my 3 year old son removed EVERY SINGLE KEY from my laptop keyboard! My mom thought a fifteen minute bathroom break was more important than making sure he stayed out of trouble.

On the bright side, it was pretty easy to get the keys back on (just extremely time consuming) once I had found a laptop keyboard pic on my desktop to get them in the right places. The bad part is that while it was apart I figured I'd clean it and ended up losing one of the white key retainers. So now I'm without one key. It WAS the minus/underscore key, but I switched out the retainer with the Ins key cuz I never use it. Still need a replacement one though.

ARGGHHH!

Slept ENTIRELY through my first class. Went to lunch to waste time (apprx 2 hours) before my second class only to walk that way after lunch and find out it was canceled. So now I'm gonna take the MUCH needed nap before I have to go get my car fixed. Ta.

Happy Birthday to me!!!!

2007-04-19T23:22:00.000-06:00

It's the end of my bday and I'm so bouncy!

Thanks to EVERYONE who wished me a happy birthday. It really meant a lot.

As for what I did today... First of all, I skipped my classes so I could sleep in. SO much love for that because I REALLY needed it. I've never missed those classes either, so it was well deserved. And then I went out to lunch with my bff to our favorite lunch spot. Went shopping with my mom in which I got a few new shirts in addition to my new shoes from the other day and she paid my car payment for May too as my bday gift. And I also went and bought a new cell phone with my g-ma's bday money. Then we went out to eat as a family and my dad bought me a BEAUTIFUL pink rose when the guy walked by. It was a really good day. And honestly? The best birthday I have ever had.

Even more special thanks to those who put up with me last night when I wasn't doing so well. But I'm doing okay now. I love you.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!

Supernatural was to DIE for. Much thanks to Kripke for brining the show back from hiatus on my birthday. Haha...like that was really why. Now I'm off to watch the new Smallville.

And it only gets stranger...

2007-04-17T13:58:00.000-06:00

WTF is up with my bday week? And double-wtf is up with today?

When I was leaving for school this morning (MAJOR test first class btw), my dad stops me and he's all, "You can't go your usual way to school." And I go O.o of course. Cuz I take the same route to school EVERY day. I know where I can get away with speeding and all that good stuff. So he finally tells me (and I heard the rest on the radio news while driving) but apparently at dawn there were supposed shots fired two blocks from me. And the guy barracaded himself in his house. Again, two blocks from me. So the swat closed down the streets I take to school.

Fun!

Then...it takes me ten minutes to finish my "MAJOR exam" so I head to lunch early figuring I now have 3 hours to write the English paper I got an extension for and is now due tomorrow. Right when I finish checking my email, the internet DIES. So I spent the remainder of my break finishing up a fic I'm about to post and then I went and stretched out on a squishy bench to watch Tall Tales on my ipod.

It's been a strange day.

Random points of interest...

2007-04-16T23:10:00.000-06:00

• The topic on everyone's mind...Virginia Tech. Yeah, I'm just as shocked too. Obviously not as much as some since I'm not really close to the situation. But this also solidifies a point my dad and I have come to. April 19th (my bday) is a cursed day. Look it up in history and you'll see. We've always known this. And other April 19th'ers I've talked to have dubbed it "Death Day." Well my dad knew this, and one year he said, "look, nothing happened on your bday this year" and then Columbine happened the next day. And that was when we realized that my whole bday week is cursed. So yeah, I'm not sure what's going on with the world, but it's seriously creeping me out for too many reasons.

• I still haven't gotten my homework done. It sucks. Seriously. And there are only like two weeks of school left, so I really have no excuse. *pouts*

• I had to present a speech in Communications class today. One of the topics we had to choose from happened to be the same as the research paper I wrote for English last semester. So I editted it in speech form to present today. To clarify this...when I write, I'm REALLY fucking smart. Big words used accurately and well thought out and carefully constructed sentences. A master piece so to speak. Yeah, I know I'm ditzy, but it's the only time I can show the side of me most don't see. Part of re-writing my paper was to dumb it down so my "audience" would understand it. What happened after my presentation (which I got a 93 on btw)? A few classmates came up and said it was shockingly professional and they were surprised that I wrote it. AFTER I DUMBED IT DOWN. My only thought was, "damn, you'd die of shock if you saw the original."

• I discovered that the last day of school before finals is Thursday, May 3rd. That night the theaters around here are doing midnight showings of Spiderman 3. I convinced my group of friends at school to go with me. It'll be a great way to celebrate.

• Thank GOD for summer series shows. Drive is OFFICIALLY one of my new favorite shows and will TOTALLY help me get through the off season of Supernatural. The only thing that sucks is that they are GREAT with the cliff hangers. I'm DYING now. I encourage everyone to watch the eps on FOX online (if you can't see it there, email me).

• I've been in a crappy sinking mood for over a week. So bad today that people at school noticed. Then I went shoe shopping and it didn't seem to matter anymore. So I'm hoping for brighter days this week. Either way, I have therapy on Friday.

• About a month or so ago my mom bought me the Eragon book because it was in theaters and I wanted to read the book before the movie. I hadn't read it yet. Today, my mom bought the movie on DVD. She says I have less than a week to read the book before she watches the movie. Damn. Am I the only one that likes to read books before movies? Hmm...

• I just ordered a 320 GB external harddrive. I'm going to be clearing the harddrives of my desktop and my laptop so I can send them both to be repaired as soon as school is over. One at a time of course. Which is awesome cuz each computer is only like 120 GB. I'm also going to be ordering a new cell phone...finally. Why yes, I'm using bday money to pay for this.

• My parents actually both have the night off on my bday, so we're gonna go out to eat. It's the only time we eat out as a family so I'm looking forward to it. Actually, it's the only time we sit together and eat as a family period...going out or not. And yeah, I might be missing Smallville and Supernatural, but I came to the conclusion that you only turn 23 once and you can watch tv shows anytime. OMG I'm mature WOT!?!?

Feeling accomplished for once...

2007-04-10T16:58:00.000-06:00

I wrote half of two fics today! SQUEE! I also still have half of a third fic sitting on my laptop that I started a while back. NONE of these three are any of the three prompts I picked up at slashfest with deadlines. I somehow fail and am accomplished at the same time. HAHAHA! Awesome!

Honestly though, I'm just happy that I'm writing again. It gives me peace, it fuels my attention seeking'ness of my bipolar, and gives me something to look forward to. God, I love meds. Haha!

So yeah, of the two I started today, only one is typed. When I type up the hand written one, I should be able to finish writing it at the same time. So yey!

Oh! I still have a finished fic on here that hasn't been posted because I haven't beta'd it yet. Yeah...I gotta do that later too.

Lastly, the only way I could pass Poly Sci and keep my GPA was to get at LEAST an 88 on the last two exams. I got an 88 exactly on this one. *crossing my fingers for the last*

The stuff of fairytales...

2007-04-10T09:35:00.000-06:00

So I went to check yahoo for my horoscopes and happened to glance at their news of the day. In doing so, I came across this post.

This is what life should be about. A fairytale in real time. Love by chance. The possibility of karma and divine order. It's really amazing that something like that could happen. Gives hope to all of us out there just trying to make it by with whatever we have available to us. Not everyone has luck, but it's nice to think about.

Happy happy joy joy!!!

2007-04-08T20:00:00.000-06:00

A very Happy Easter to you all. And with a little help from my cousin and her lovely text message she just sent me...

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Be patient. It may take me a while to get hard. I just got laid by some chick.

BWHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, I read that when I was driving and swerved badly because I was laughing so hard. My dad wasn't amused. Haha.

Would you like some jello pudding??

2007-04-03T15:32:00.000-06:00

My tv is a SARCASTIC bastard! Ok, so I'm still trying to build up the courage to talk to the guy I like and it's just NOT going so well.

Now why does this make my tv a sarcastic bastard?

Because the damn thing is playing EVERY single one of my favorite romance movies all night tonight. Just to remind me what I'm missing apparently. So there is Ever After and You've Got Mail and The Wedding Singer to start. *pouts* Evil tv. I can't wait until House comes on so I can get lost in something.

Ben & Jerry's came out with Crème Brulèe ice cream. It's to DIE for. Seriously! Especially accompanied with my lovely glazed donut.

I have two exams tomorrow. One today that I didn't study for dammit.

Watched Flight of the Phoenix last night for the first time. AWESOME movie! And Jared was SO adorable! Well...for the scenes he had, that is. And OMG Tyrese doing the Fresh Prince of Bel Air's "Carlton dance" to Hell Yeah made me fall out of my chair. That doesn't even include when I had to stop the movie to laugh due to the Bill Cosby and Bill Clinton flight plan thanks to Tyrese and Dennis Quaid. Brilliance.

Ok, I'm obivously wasting time. And now I feel like a nap. Talk to ya'll later.

Ain't nothin but a chicken wang...

2007-04-02T19:46:00.000-06:00

Court was...interesting. I got in trouble twice with the balif and judge. But whatever. Starting this money I get monthly child support and back due child support. Finally.

I made it to school after court thankfully. The girls I spend my MWF with thought it would be amusing to play April Fool's pranks on me today. They would bring up the guy I like and the second I'd start talking about him they'd say, "you mean the guy that's standing right behind us?" And I'd freak out. Or they'd tell me he was standing somewhere I couldn't see and laugh when I leaned to look.

Last night I wrote and AMAZING 3000+ word fic in my head based on one of De's prompts. Then I fell asleep and had forgotten it by the time I woke up. This is the second time in two weeks that I've written an awesome fic only to find I can't write it down because I'm already in bed and end up forgetting it. Now I know why I never post anything fandom'y anymore. Gah!

Ok, I guess I should go study now. I have more exams this week than I did during midterms. Laterz!

More than just a bug...it's stupidity in highest form.

2007-03-31T23:24:00.000-06:00

So yeah, I ended up with food poisoning the other night and it sucked. And then of course I had the bright idea of going out with my bff that night which only made it worse. Couldn't hold anything down yesterday really so I did the bland food diet of bagel, bananas, and yogurt. And I don't like yogurt, but it did the trick. The downside is that now my mom has it too from finishing my food that day. It just hit her later than it hit me. Mostly because I also ate too much besides just eating something I shouldn't have. Needless to say, I'm not on a major diet. First diet ever in fact.

Went to school today. Yes, I know it's a Saturday. I've been failing Political Science so my group and I got a tutor. Hopefully we'll do better on the next exam on Wednesday.

I got my singing voice back finally. I used to be a high soprano. Now I'm a high alto. Odd that. Anyway, so now I'm looking for music like Allison Krauss, Anna Nalick, and Avril Lavigne so I can train my voice.

I'm officially caught up and HOOKED on Friday Night Lights. I should have found it sooner. Especially since there are only two eps left of this season. *pouty*

The Tudors starts tomorrow. YEY!

Ok, that's all for updates. XD

It's been a LONG night...

2007-03-23T01:52:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I hadn't really gotten around to my homework, for one reason or another over the last few days. I have no clue what stopped me last night. I had fully intended to work on it at school, but then three things happened:

1. I forgot I have no internet in the Union and I couldn't STAND walking all over campus for a place to eat lunch and work, so I settled with a smoothie and skipped lunch.
2. I decided to do my work in the school art gallery where my next class meets, although I had about two hours before class. That was where my ass promptly fell asleep from sitting on the floor, and I was too irritated to function other than writing my essay intro.
3. Our art teacher didn't show up, so rather than go find another random place to sit and have my ass fall asleep, I went home for a nap to function better.

Then we get into the, "I'm going to get as much work done as I can between nap at my lovely cw night. First I have to break up the arguments between my son and mom (more than once) and I spend HOURS searching for ONE small quote through my 20+ sources. I turn the tv on and realize the Simpsons are on CW before my shows, so I promptly give up and start tv time an hour early.

BANG!

Supernatural. Yeah. I couldn't stop crying and rewatching and crying. I never cry. The final time I watched it tonight, I watched with my parents and they were both giving me worried looks because they also know that I never cry so it was a strange sight for them to see me like that. I LOVE analyzing that show and especially explaining it to them afterward. (To the point in which I've had more people than I can count tell me I should change my major to film production and screenwriting...and I'm actually thinking about it.) So obviously there was no getting work done after tv time either.

So now, I squeeze as much effort as I can manage into my paper. My emotions are still screw'y and I'm exhausted from not getting a full night's sleep in almost two weeks thanks to my meds. And I have an exam EARLY in the morning (in the class I got a 40 on the last exam) and then this rough draft due.

She sees a fractured reflection, but the mirror isn't broken...

2007-03-17T03:02:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I was avoiding posting until my life got back in order, but it seems it's going to take a little longer than I thought. So here are the key points to save me a lot of time.

• I've been officially diagnosed as bi-polar. Bipolar I with cycling to be more specific. It explains my mood swings, irriability, avoidance, inability to hold a job, inability to follow through, etc. Basically everything that my ex and my family hate about me is explained by the disorder. There is a small chance I can get worse, but we're trying to manage it now while we can with meds. And what sucks is that my meds are expensive and as I said, I can't hold a job, so I'm facing a small dilemma that will hopefully be helped in a few weeks.

• They made me give up alcohol. Because of my medication and my family history of alcoholism, they said it's better not to take the chance. Gah! I don't drink often and it's usually in celebration. But now I can't even do that. And I swear I'll bite someone if they tell me to give up caffeine one more time.

• I have a LOT of homework and I don't know what i'm doing. Always fun. For Communications, I have to create a promotional business video, outline for powerpoint, and a character background by monday for our mock-business presentation. It was my idea to do bug-planting and now I have to follow through. Oh, and that doesn't include the two exams I have to study for and complete as well. Grr...

• All I want to do is lie in bed and watch tv. I'm snapping at everyone and everything. Any little thing is getting on my last nerve. I'm scared I won't complete my assignments. I'm pissed that I can't contribute to fandom. I'm worried about money. I'm worried about getting worse. I think I'm unnecessarily stressing myself out more. If anyone has been wondering where I've been, I claim hiatus. I'm just hoping my meds kick in soon.

• I've been working on a bit of poetry in my head, but I can't bring myself to write it down. I've also been working on several fic ideas both fandom and original and I can't bring myself to write them down. I feel useless. I know now that it's the disorder and not me, but it doesn't make it any easier to handle.

• The tow truck finally came and picked up my old car. Which means I finally have a parking space again for my new car.

• My cell phone service was put on hold today for not paying my bill. I tried to pay it two days ago (even though it was over a month late) but apparently my checking account was $350 withdrawn. I'm too lazy to complain. I'm waiting for the income tax refund to come in so I can pay my grandma back, pay my cell phone, and pay the $800 TTL for my car. Not to mention putting the $1000 back into my vacation fund for this summer.

• My house has been unreasonably hot. But I know if we hook up the AC it'll get cold again. 80+ degrees just isn't that much fun without AC. It also doesn't help that I HAVE to sleep with a heavy blanket. I opened my windows for circulation. It's gotten quite cool finally and smells like a bit of rain coming. I hope so. I love that smell.

• The bruise around my tattoo is still there after three weeks. Bruises shouldn't last more than two weeks. I'm seriously hoping it's a bruise and not that the ink bled through under my skin. I just wish it'd go away already.

Ok...enough random points from a random mind. GOD! These racing thoughts are killing me. Along with the inability to sleep or follow through with a DAMN thing, no matter how important it is. No wonder they keep complaining about my goal list that never gets done. Gah!

Hot boys, new toys...or goals rather...and changes to be made...

2007-03-12T02:04:00.000-06:00

First and foremost: JASON TEAGUE OWNS MY SOUL!!!!!!!

Yeah, so I finally made it to Season 4 of Smallville. And yeah...Jensen playing Jason....nnnnggghhhhh. He's like my ideal man. And reminds me a lot of the guy I like. God I love Jensen.

For those that don't watch Smallville, I'll make it simple. In ~~this youtube clip~~ Episode 401 you'll see his introduction into the show. And GOD HELP me it was perfect in all the right ways that made my heart skip a beat. Then in ~~this youtube clip~~ Episode 403, I am ADDICTED to the very beginning and everything after minute 8. Yeah, cuz the beginning is just oh so naughty and oh so "do me now" and the end is just...laughter and joking and all the right kinds of goofiness that I love in a guy.

Since I'm on Spring Break, I've finally started f-locking and re-tagging my entire livejournal. 556 posts on that journal so far. So it's quite a chore. One ep of season 4 Smallville was my reward for every month's worth of entries I got through. Now it's every half a month of entries.

I'm currently up to my birthday of last year, which was April 19th. That means I've gone through all my "happy family" moments, all my "not so happy family" moments, my separation from Rick, my attempts at adjusting, my computer addiction, my failed relationships, my failed friendships....and yeah, it's gotten quite painful. I've met a lot of people in the last two years, and I've lost a lot of people as well. I've felt love and loss, caring and heartbreak, and everything in between. It wasn't an easy time going through this past year, but I'm stronger because of it and I know that.

Everything is changing. And it's about time.

But ok...that's enough of the serious. I just really needed to get it off my chest cuz I don't really have someone to talk to right now. I'm gonna go back to drooling over Jason Teague. Jensen is way too hot for his own good. It should be illegal. Nnnggghhh.

A quiet desperation's building higher...

2007-03-02T22:34:00.000-07:00

It's been a really good day. I've been avoiding posting until I could post everything I want to post tonight.

I am the proud owner of a new 2003 Oldsmobile Alero. It's cute. Silver, sports edition with spoiler, four doors. XD After what happened last time I got a new car where it was taken away two days later, I wanted to make sure nothing would go wrong this time before I posted. Besides my Monte Carlo dying...Rick got it repo'd. I'm still waiting for the lazy tow truck drivers to show up and take the piece of crap. It's been over three days though. And this new car was three times what I had planned on paying, but it's totally worth it. And I'm happy.

The concert last night was AMAZING! Oddly enough NO fans were waiting afterward, so suprisingly the band didn't come out to great everyone. That's a first. We were disappointed, but it was such a good night it did't matter. Even got security called on us because of some stick up her ass chick but it was amusing in the end. Haha. My camera refused to take decent pictures. And my batteries died anyway. But I got some awesome videos out of it that i'll post later.

Going to the monster truck Monster Jam tomorrow night. GAH! I can't wait. Why yes monster trucks are one of my secret pleasures. So excited.

Got a few homework assignments to do this weekend, but it's all well and good. I have high hopes of getting the work done. As long as my mind doesn't wander...AHEM...I'll be fine. It does wander quite a bit lately. Seriously.

Ok...so I'm all caught up for the week. Gonna try to do some fandomy things this weekend too. As well as start watching Season 3 of Smallville. Yippee! Nighty night all!

p.s. This is the reason I love El Paso. Haha. Riverbed circles spawn UFO speculation. Someone call Sam and Dean. ~~Even though I already know what really happened. Bwhahaha.~~

Pain, pain, why did I ask for you?

2007-02-20T14:17:00.000-07:00

You know what sucks? When you fall asleep in your Astronomy class and you dream of being asleep in your Astronomy class. WTF brain! WTF! Way to be creative. You know what's worse? Falling asleep in the lounge at lunch and dreaming of...you guessed it, sleeping in the lounge at lunch. The only difference in the actual class and the dream were the scenarios around me.

Now why was I so tired when I went to bed earlier than I have in months? Because I have bruised ribs and my body is literally exhausted from all the pain. And bigger question as to why I have bruised ribs is why I paid $200 for bruised ribs.

I'd been wanting to get a new tattoo before the concert on Mar 1. Problem is, plans changed because my bff couldn't get one with me anymore. Well Sunday night, I got the spontaneous idea to just DO IT. So I searched my designs real quick, printed them out and went to bed. After school, my mom took my to the tattoo parlour. I am now the proud owner of my biggest and MOST painful piece that took about 5 hours to complete. My skin is BRUISED. I mean, PURPLE as all hell. I can barely move, it hurts to breath or bend or anything. My ribs hurt, my skin hurts, and it was the first time I ever cried during a tattoo. The best part is that it looks awesome and the guy did a really good job with it.

The newest addition.

Before anyone asks, "Provehito In Altum" is latin for "dive into the deep/unknown" and also happens to be the 30 Seconds to Mars motto (why yes, the concert I'm going too...surprise). Cherry blossoms, depending on the culture you're looking into mean a woman's strength and in another mean the cycle of life and how it ends quickly so you should make the best of it. All in all for me...take chances, take risks, and not be afraid of making mistakes because life is short and I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. The fact that I sat so long through so much pain should be enough indication of the last part. Even all the artists in the shop were surprised. They actually had to force me to take breaks because I wouldn't admit when it hurt and they were afraid I also wouldn't admit to being lightheaded which is bad.

You know what's awesome though...the fact that they played AC/DC greatest hits through about half of my tattoo. That excited me. Haha. Ow...shouldn't laugh.

5 things I'm grateful for today

2007-02-12T21:52:00.000-07:00

1. Getting a phonecall randomly from the most awesome girl in the world, just to tell me she loves me and hopes my day goes better. (Yes, that was the highlight of my fucking day, week, month.)

2. Having my best friend call me randomly the SECOND I get out of my last class to ask if I want to go to lunch with her. In which she pays. And in which we decided we don't hang out enough and we should start going to the movies again like the old days.

3. Having an ex that actually gives a damn about me again. Even if it hurts to know he cares and I'll never have his heart again. But I'd rather get along with him separated than be together fighting.

4. A random drabble of Jensen/Ellie that LITERALLY made me stop breathing and nearly hit the floor from utter shock/desperation/love/omggimmenownownow. Thanks babe!

5. Being able to make someone else smile, even if I'm the last person they think about, even if tomorrow it'll be forgotten. Because in that one brief moment...I was the one that made a difference and that means more than anything.

Rolling down the hill...

2007-02-07T11:31:00.000-07:00

You know what sucks? When you go to bed at 2:30am, knowing fully well you have to be up at 7:30am...and then you get woken up four times by your three year old throwing up...in a bed that you share.

Yeah. Totally bad night.

He's okay thankfully. But I didn't get any sleep. And the first time his gagging woke me up, I woke up from the best dream I've had all week. A dream about finally getting the one thing I've been wanting for SO long.~~..an active, thoughtful conversation.~~

Hopefully my mom will have my sheets washed by the time I get home. On the bright side, my mom had bought me a heated mattress pad, so now I have an excuse to put it on my bed since I have to remake my bed. And my dad said he was going to do dishes today.

All I want to do tonight is to crawl into a clean warm bed and watch tv until my brain shuts itself off.

The spaces between us...

2007-02-07T01:53:00.000-07:00

I caught up on my homework. Everything I was behind on and everything due by Friday. I was scarily productive in the last 4 hours. Thanks to my snuggle bunny who knows who she is. She pokes perfectly to keep me going. Now all I have left is studying for my exams on thur and fri as well as writing two research papers over the weekend that are both due on Monday.

It was a nice break to have a reason to avoid people and not have to think too much about seeking out attention from certain people. I'm not exactly doing "better" per se, but I've become more numb and distant than enraged and cynical. And until my hormone levels are back in balance ~~and maybe longer, who knows~~ I'm predicting that I'll start pulling away from nearly everyone. Don't take offense to it. It's just a defense mechanism, especially when I feel people have gotten too close. Close enough that they can hurt me more than they realize. In fact, there is only one person I trust with my emotions, and even that is a big step for me.

I just...I need space and time to sort my feelings out for people. Everything is getting too bloody confusing. The tangled webs we weave... I remember reading that once and it just fits so perfect. My life, my emotions, my thoughts...they are all a tangled mess. It's going to take a fine tooth comb to get myself out of the mess I got into. Wish me luck.

Snap...crackle...pop...and not rice crispies.

2007-02-06T18:18:00.000-07:00

People suck. And not in a good way.

I've felt like crap since yesterday. I'm having a shitty day that is only steadily getting worse. SO much effing worse. I need to get out of my house to just get out. But I can't, because Dade is home and I have two weeks worth of homework that is already late and can't afford to be later.

I was banned from YouTube and lost my 300 favorites that I made sure to favorite because I wanted to watch again and would inevitably forget about and/or lose the link. Now they're ALL gone.

My internet is phasing in and out again.

I'm pissed. I'm cranky. I hate people. I hate computers. I hate pretty much everything right now.

It's amazing how much crap I've let myself go through. Amazing how much I put up with and for how long. But everyone eventually reaches a point in which they snap.

I can't do this anymore. I don't want to.

I think I was better off when I cried myself to sleep last night.

How does a good day become so awful?

2007-02-02T15:12:00.000-07:00

It started off good:

• My Poly Sci teacher tells us that our classes are podcasts...so all those times I fell asleep? So worth it cuz I can catch up later on the dialogue. At least I didn't miss the quizzes sleeping at home.

• Since English was canceled, I finished the new vid I started yesterday. I just gotta clean up a few things I couldn't do at school with everyone sitting around me. Will post later along with the commision vid I did the other day, and the mindfuck fic I wrote for my own amusement.

Then it got REALLY bad:

• In my Astronomy lab today, I found out our assignments are turned in by ripping out the pages of our $45 book and turning those in with the answers. Anyone else feel as peeved about that as me? Yeah...I was planning on selling it back, but guess not.

• Then the "teacher" (or lack thereof) gave us scientific notation homework...gah. I hate scientific notation. I mean, I love math and I love science, but I don't WANNA do it!

• I park over a mile from the school, so I take the "Miner Metro" shuttle bus to and from my car. Today I was the only one on the bus to the parking lot and at the first stop, I said "no, next one," cuz I'm the second stop. So he fucking skipped ALL the stops until his last stop which was about 4 fucking blocks from my car...and my backpack was heavy from taking my laptop today. Way to work out the legs.

• And then I almost got hit by, not one, but TWO cars that didn't understand the concept of crosswalk.

• So by now I'm obviously aggravated and all I want to do it go home and snuggle with my pillows. But NO. Because then of course, my car wouldn't start and I live 30 min away. And my mom wouldn't answer her cell, and no one answers the house. But my dad did.

• LUCKILY, while waiting for my dad (and being SUCH a girl sitting in my car pathetically with the hood up), a nice guy stopped and jumped my car for me. When it warmed up, it started squealing again cuz there's something wrong with the belts (oh the joys of this car). There is a reason I named my car Murphy. Because ever since we got it, "everything that can go wrong, will."

• So I called my dad and said nevermind. Straightened myself up because I was near tears. Luckily I had some moral support. *squishes* And I drove home. Only to stop my car in front of my yard to open the gate and when I got back in there was a HUGE green puddle under it. So I drove in the yard, closed the gate and went back and within a minute, my car pretty much lost ALL of the antifreeze and most of the transmission fluid. So I no longer have a car. Because this is pathetic.

Now me and my dog are hanging out inside cuz I won't let her go out with all that antifreeze in the driveway. I have two videos and one fic to post. Several more to accomplish. And I HAVE to do my Astronomy quiz online tonight which means it might help to finally read the chapter and notes. Just maybe...

Ok, off I go to wait for the rest of the crash.

Long day, longer night...is it Thursday yet?

2007-01-31T23:30:00.000-07:00

I just scared the FRACK out of myself. Like SERIOUSLY. This is also a story about how divine intervention is also scaring the fuck out of me.

Ok...so my internet decided it would spaz tonight. It's been going in and out all night on both of my computers. But it didn't bother me too much. Everyone was busy with work tonight and I blissfully had no important homework to stress over. So I caught up on some of my tv shows...or so I thought. And I used up my download limit trying to get the ones I seemed to have missed yesterday as well. So I still have catching up to do.

Anyway...so, no messenger, no internet, no friends, no tv shows, no homework...makes for a VERY bored Elle. Especially when I'm in no mood to write or vid because I'm cranky as hell. So I started staring blankly at my walls and suddenly decided it was about fucking time I clean like I had mentioned in the other post.

So I didn't just spot clean, or clean the high traffic areas...NO. I effing took EVERYTHING off my shelves and CLEANED. I mean, I didn't dust because it would have killed my allergies, but I'll clean more thoroughly when I finally repaint. This was just for space issues. So this is how I scared the fuck out of myself. Cuz I NEVER do that. Well...unless something is seriously wrong. Cleaning is my subconcious telling me I'm repressing pain, so it's a good thing I have that counseling session tomorrow.

Before: "The Mess" (Part 1) and "The TV" (Part 2)
After: "WTF"

Before: "The Desk"
After: "Losing It"

Ok...so it gets a bit creepy. I find this old fortune cookie fortune while cleaning. And lo and behold, what does it say? (And I'm DEAD serious here...) "You are capable of extremely hard work and dedication." And I had to stop to laugh. I made a wise crack about divine intervention and went on with my work.

Well since all my crap has been piled on Dade's bed and he's coming home, I decided I'd change his sheets and stuff. And they were WET. So I lift the mattress and the mattress is wet. And the floor is soaked. Minor freak-out. Then I check the carpet under my desk. Soaked too. MAJOR freak-out.

My room has been flooding and I didn't know. I keep my shoes on at home because of stickers and stuff stuck in the carpet and I have sensitive feet. So I never noticed. And apparently it's been happening for a while because the carpet has that mildew smell now and the walls are damp at the base too. The wall my computers are against is the bathroom wall so that's where the pipes were. And I knew my faucet has been leaking, but I didn't realize it was worse than that.

So...divine intervention, what? I would have never checked if it wasn't for the random series of events tonight. So now I slink back off to my depressed angst and sigh while I wait for my mom to come home and check the pipes.

By the way, have I mentioned that I nearly get in an accident daily because my car's transmission is fucked and it keeps slipping gears? Yeah...tried to do a fix-it yesterday, but the sealant was frozen. SMART! Something else to take care of tomorrow. Blegh...life.

Details you aren't entirely privy too...

2007-01-29T23:20:00.000-07:00

It's not right to be so dead tired at 10pm that you can't even manage to say hi to anyone. I'm fucking beat. But I needed to get a few things written down for my crappy memory. And to inform of my upcoming whereabouts.

- All my major assignments that WERE due next weekend got pushed up to this Wednesday so I won't be around at all tomorrow.

- Thursday is my counseling session. And Supernatural, so ya'll will know where I'll be that day. At least it should be a good day...considering.

- Friday I have to waste a few hours between my classes because the one in the middle got canceled. I'm thinking of vidding on my laptop during that time.

Speaking of which...I completed an awesome video tonight on commision. I'll post it up here when I have more energy. Right now I just can't function.

Randomness...

I'm addicted to the words "apparently," "spork," and "privy" at the moment. I think there was another too, but I can't remember. I don't know why either. Just random words that I use a lot and/or make me happy.

Am I the only person that sprays men's cologne in my bed so I can sleep better? Yes...I am that desperate for affection right now.

Have you ever had something you wanted to say so badly that you only felt comfortable keeping it to yourself? Like any way you could possibly say it would come out wrong or have the wrong effect and everything would just go to hell? Like your heart is on the line? Like your existence is hanging in the balance? Yeah, I know that's pushing it to extremes, but when passion pushes an argument, you tend to go to extremes. And when you have something that needs to be said so badly, it literally hurts just to go about your day and keep it to yourself.

My chest hurts. Literally and figuratively. Maybe it's a panic attack boiling to the surface, but I don't know. All I know is this time I haven't told a soul. And I'm not sure I intend to. Because even if it's not the intended target, I still wouldn't know how to find the words I need.

Yeah, I should probably shut up now. I'm too tired to think straight and I'll probably regret half of this in the morning if I remember that I even wrote it. *headdesk*

Night.

Wow....the things you do at 2 am....

2007-01-28T01:47:00.000-07:00

This effing amuses me to no end. And obviously I'm severely lacking sleep because I'm back to cussing like every five effing seconds. So...maybe that's why this is so effing hysterical. Haha. Yes...I actually do cuss this much in RL. Sorry to say. Especially when I'm tired as I am now. But onto the crack...

My darling Krissy Bear and I apparently have been up too long.

[01:42] Ellie: Kristina!!!!!!!!!!!
[01:42] Krissy: ...
[01:43] Krissy: You full first named me.
[01:43] Ellie: hahha.... I just randomly said that outloud
[01:43] Krissy: Sound weird?
[01:43] Ellie: it was all pouty and petulant
[01:43] Ellie: like "Kristinaaa....come play with me!"
[01:43] Krissy: haha
[01:43] Krissy: It's weird seeing it spelled out.
[01:43] Ellie: yeah
[01:43] Krissy: I only ever hear my first name.
[01:43] Krissy: Elizabeth.
[01:43] Ellie: DUDE!
[01:43] Ellie: don't do that!
[01:44] Krissy: It was all stern-like.
[01:44] Ellie: it was quite fucking freaky
[01:44] Krissy: why?
[01:44] Ellie: I don't know.. my name gives me the chills
[01:44] Krissy: that's odd.
[01:44] Ellie: i'm only ever called Liz...ever since I was little
[01:44] Krissy: That's going to confuse me.

I actually started going by Elle at school to avoid the future conflict of meeting people from my online friends list. Haha.

And OMFG! I have to add this one too with my little Christina....

[01:52] Christina: what's the difference between christina and kristina
[01:53] Ellie: ch
[01:53] Christina: ...i see that.
[01:53] Christina: gosh. i mean how you say it.
[01:53] Ellie: hahah....sorry...I'm like too tired to function... hahaha... there is no difference in how I say it

Unintentional sarcasm is love! ♥

And they said to add this one too...

Krissy: There is no difference in how we say our names.
Krissy: Mine's just prettier and shorter.
Christina: pssh. prettier.
Krissy: pbffft. you know it.
Christina: shorter by what
Christina: one letter
Krissy: Exactly.
Krissy: Takes a whole quarter of a second less to sign it.

Lastly...much love for my Karina dear.

[02:07] Ellie: have you ever noticed that I say "apparently" too effing much? I need to get a new word
[02:09] Rina: me
[02:09] Rina: h
[02:09] Ellie: me h u 2
[02:09] Ellie: dude! i've been up tooooo effing long
[02:09] Ellie: haha
[02:10] Rina: lol
[02:11] Ellie: I literally banged my head repeatedly on the desk i'm that tired
[02:11] Rina: go to sleeep
[02:12] Ellie: and i have NO motivation to take my clothes off
[02:12] Ellie: quick...tell me there's a naked hottie in my bed
[02:12] Ellie: haha
[02:13] Ellie: oookkk...sleep becometh me... night love... and i'm totally adding this to my journal post
[02:14] Rina: XD
[02:14] Rina: night <3

Ok...me thinks I'm done for the night. *crash*

you only want it 'cause it's over...

2007-01-26T01:42:00.000-07:00

Bad day. Was already running late to school and the car wouldn't start. Then the people on the freeway wouldn't let me change lanes so I had to take the wrong exit. After I parked, I missed the shuttle to school. Was fifteen minutes late in a class that despises tardiness.

That doesn't even account for that shame that was flirting with my ex over text messages in art class. *headdesk*

And after a discussion with my art teacher, we came to the realization that every major I want leads to no jobs. So i'm screwed no matter what I do. So it's almost certain I'm dropping my major at the end of the semester. It doesn't make me smile anymore and now my major just doesn't matter anymore. Blegh.

A small few people gratefully cheered me up tonight though with random AU, funny jokes, PORN, and just anything they knew would make me laugh and smile. I love those people! As much as I love the people that whip my ass for not doing homework. Speaking of which...it's done, thanks.

But now, I'm off to bed.

Monday pinks! Because I'm not blue and pink is perky!

2007-01-22T19:05:00.000-07:00

Whoever said mondays suck clearly didn't have Karma on their side.

So, little advocator of Karma that I am, is finally reaping the benefits of the lovely cosmic balance. Of the three friends I lost and one that went missing...the missing one was found and snuggled thoroughly, adored, spoiled, and all that good stuff. One I lost I am MUCH better without. Another I lost I got back. And the other one is hanging in the balance randomly.

At school today, my dad decided to forget to pick me up (because he stole my car for today). So in the process of waiting for my mom, this guy randomly asked me for help with his math homework. Next thing I know we're chatting up a storm and he's a totally awesome guy. When my mom showed up, I gave him my school email address and reluctantly said goodbye. He said we'll meet up again on wednesday for we have no classes together. And best of all...he was telling me about his BOYFRIEND. I missed having gay guy friends.

I am SO effing lucky for the people I have in my life. Because if I wasn't excited enough about one awesome new friend, I made another awesome new friend in fandom today. Miss Stephie, that I've seen on so many of my friends list journals and never officially met. But she has been snuggled and loved on and adopted into my little space.

All I can say is that this Monday freakin RULES! And I can't wait for the rest of the week. XD But I gotta go do the homework thing now, so I'll chat you all up laterz!

you are my heart, my rock, my sky...

2007-01-21T12:24:00.000-07:00

There are a few people in this world that can make my day with one simple word. Even if it's just to say hi or ask a favor. There are few people in this world that I would stop everything for to please just because of the feeling I get when I talk to them. There are few people, but they mean the world to me and I cherish them dearly.

I've never before been able to explain the feeling I get when I talk to them, other than feeling light and airy. I've never been able to explain how that one simple word can mean so much. But through another's voice, I now can...

You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you don’t even have a name for.
- Richard Siken

say that, say that, say that you believe...

2007-01-19T18:24:00.000-07:00

*stretch.groan.sigh* Yeah, I just woke up at 6pm. And GOD did I need it. Hadn't slept in a week and it felt oh so nice. My school was supposed to be canceled today cuz it snowed (NEVER snows here) but they left it open. So I came home cold and wet, but with a smile on my face. I had almost forgotten what that smile looked like. And the snow was SO purty! My white car was...white. My mom drove me to school cuz the car was teh broken...again.

Started off the day in bitter amusement. With the realization that mankind is inherently cruel and heartless. Few overcome that hardship to become loving, decent people. I am SO lucky for those few that I have found to be my friends and I can't stop reminding myself of that fact. Normally I would feel sorry for those that can't overcome that "hardship", but after all, they have no regard for others, so who really cares.

I am a devote believe in "everything happening for a reason" and the Karmic balance. Karma always delivers the rewards or punishments due. I believe that. And while it sometimes takes awhile, it will happen. So all those immature, spineless, and unempathetic people will get what they deserve.

I spent so much time amused by my morning that people thought I had gone mad. And Krissy...I swear, if we keep text messaging like that when I'm at school then I need to raise my texting plan. But that was totally awesome and we totally need to keep doing it. It makes the day more interesting. *loves*

I appreciate everyone's support so much right now! I love you all and you mean the world to me. There are so many people that brought me up from my lowest of lows last night and I'm feeling good for the first time in a long time. I'm just gonna ride this on out! But one thing I have to say is that if something I do EVER bothers any of you, please please please let me know. I'd rather know the truth than get screwed over in the long run.

it's your birthday, now what?

2007-01-19T01:21:00.000-07:00

Today is my buggaboo's birthday. I love him so much. My three year old shorty! ♥